Humbled

Well life has taken some crazy twists and turns lately, there is no doubt about that. I have been angry, confused, lost, selfish, sad, and numb all within the last couple weeks. Finally I broke down and decided to tell God why I was feeling this way. I yelled, cried and screamed. How dare things not go the way "I" have always said that they would. "I" could not fathom why in the world all of the plans I thought were Gods' were just going down the drain. It has been said for a few years now that I would go to MVNU, graduate with a bachelors in youth ministry, find a great church and be a full-time youth pastor. Is that exactly what God had in my for my ministry? I don't know. But obviously, at this point in my life it is not going to go quite like that. See, after a while I lost sight of Gods call to ministry on my life and all I saw was "my calling" and not Gods. And instead of saying okay God take this calling and mold it into my life and help me to do what you would have me do with it; I saw something tangible, and logical to achieve what God was calling me into. And because I have always felt so limited in what I was capable on doing with my life I limited all of the things God could do in my life. Without even realizing it, I limited God. Yes it was a learning experience and still is, even in this very moment, but part of me just wants to go back and smack myself upside the head whenever I started to have this attitude on how my life was going to be because I said so. Who am I, or who was I to say how my life was going to go?

While yelling at God and telling him how angry I was he revealed these verses to be that caused me to humble myself before him and resubmit my calling to him: "Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."-James 4 Wow, this really caused me to take a step back. And make me wonder when I felt the need to turn the faith and trust I had in the Lord to something "tangible."? The uncertainty of tomorrow scared me beyond belief, and as much as I wanted to just let God take it I was still holding on to it. I have basically been playing tug-a-war with God for sometime now, and am completely ashamed.

And then the Lord brought me to these verses: "Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well. This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even out faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." - 1 John 5:1-5

And if any of you are wondering, the main reason I have finally gotten to this point in these crazy past couple of weeks is because I have amazing people who love me and are praying for me. Not to mention a boyfriend who cares for me probably more than I realize, and has been praying and concerned for me all along. And because of that, God was able to speak through him and make me realize a few things about myself. Matt is amazing and even though I may have missed the mark by an inch or so on a few things, God still blessed me with him and for that I am ever so thankful.

So what now? Well, I am not going to ask that question anymore.

I may not know where I am going to be tomorrow, but I am going to embrace what God has for me today:)


Peace and Blessings <3 + <3
Red